The Adventure of Inspector Wahab

by Abraham Slothface





"What the heck"

"Only 3 kilos and the whole world need to know. Fuck you la Hana. Who needs to know about how much weight you lose when you look like that? Motherfucka." 

"Lan, kau dok mencarut-carut apa tu. Kau ingat mak ni tak tahu?"

Azlan ignored his mum and continued scrolling the timeline up and down, up and down until nothing is left for him to devour, but his mind keeps on bringing him back to that stupid girl's post. 

"Only 3 kilos, and the whole world needs to know? I can't see any difference. Can you hippopotamus? Have you ever heard of the word exercise?  Go for a jog for fuck sake."

Azlan takes a deep breath and his fingers begin to dance on the keyboards with all the profanity he's capable of.

_________________________________________________________________________________

It is not a great morning for Inspector Wahab. It is only 5am, and he just drove all the way from the warmth of his wife to meet a dead kid in an unknown neighbourhood. A girl just hung herself in the living room. She had been put down to the ground by somebody long before the police came, and the rope has been removed from her neck leaving a intricate pattern pressed on the cold dead skin. A new guy accidentally kicked a part of the broken chair on the scene, but everyone just ignored it.

"Nurhana binti Hassan,"

"Ah fuck this. Fuck all of this shit, I'm out,"

Now this case is going to be big for a week in the news and there, another sleepless nights for whoever that is going to be replacing him after he submitted his immediate resignation notice. He's been stupid enough working day and night when he could sit back and enjoy endless vacation if he had just sell his lands in Kedah earlier.

"Say goodbye to Inspector Wahab shitheads,"

He's glad that the dead kid's dad called the police immediately. Inspector Wahab is tired of half decomposed bodies that smell much worse than how it looks. The only few things that is bothering him is the dad's whereabouts, and the closed tab of Azlan Rooney's Facebook page on the laptop full of Hello Kitty stickers in the girl's bedroom.

_________________________________________________________________________________

"This is the best thing of the week, and its only Friday!" 

"Hana hasn't been replying your comment yet since last night you retard. I can't wait to see her face in the class," Amir keeps on swiping his iPhone screen up and down, up and down. Then he takes a look at Azlan who has not stopped yawning since the moment they exited Amir's dad's BMW. 

"Do we really have to talk about that hippo? Amir, my Manchester United jersey. Make sure its an S size."

"I wont wear any M okay?"

"What? Hahahaha fuck you la Lan. I'm gonna buy you an XXL."

"How big is an XXL actualy?" 

That is the last thought in Amir's mind, before his instinct takes over and he pushes Azlan out of the way with all his strength. The impact was so immense it sends Amir flying few metres away from the crash site. The sound alerted few passerbies who are usually numb is this cold morning air as it could be heard from the nasi lemak stall on the other side of the road. 

The Proton Waja immediately leaves the scene, screeching and leaving trails on the asphalt. The road in front of SMK Taman Indah becomes congested that morning.

_________________________________________________________________________________

He is smoking for the first time in years, and he is on his fifth ciggarete.  Hassan takes out his wallet and manages to gather around RM14 worth of banknotes and coins. He regrets not going to the ATM first before he begins his hunt. His work clothes since last night are drenched in sweat, and he is stuck in the middle of nowhere with his now fuel-less Waja. His shivering hands are gripping tight on the steering wheel.

"Dear God. Why is this happening to me?"

"Maybe you should just kill yourself. Then you can be with your daughter in hell,"

Streams of tears running down Hassan's face, as he wonders if his sins are too much that God just have to take everything away from him. He exits his Waja and decides to leave it on the petrol stations car park, and he begins to walk on the side of the road. As he passes a thick spot of bushes, he takes out his phone and car keys and throws them away for good.

Hassan's plan was to cross the border and find a place to hide, but now he doesn’t know if that is possible. He still regrets not turning back and finishes the job. He will come back, he promised himself. Even if he has to be a beggar in Thailand for years, he promised that he would come back for that boy. 

He would get his revenge for his only daughter and skin that bastard Azlan alive. If only he had hit the right kid.

_________________________________________________________________________________

IPOH: The suspect for the hit and run case in that killed a student in front of a school in Subang two days ago was found dead last night on Jalan Maling with a large amount of drugs in his possession. He was located by the locals in a location more than 200 kilometres from where he lives, and declared to be dead due to overdosing on drugs by Assistant Commissioner Chu Kai Sok.

"This is an example of a good connection within the police," according to him.

He was first missing from his house after he called the police, informing that his daughter had just committed suicide. He was then involved in an accident in front of SMK Taman Indah that killed Amir Hafiz bin Khalid Romzi, 15 and escaped from the scene in a Proton Waja.

He is suspected to be under the influence of drugs during the accident. According to the neighbours, he worked night shift most of the time and used the drugs to give him some sort of strength. His daughter's death is said to be caused by the depression due to his recent divorce.

_________________________________________________________________________________

"These reporters are so fucking good. Right? No wonder they are so expensive,"

"I was thinking about killing you too. But you really remind me of Amir every time I look at you,"

"Whiskey? You?" Datuk Khalid's voice echoes on and on in the spacious office.

Inspector Wahab nods. Maybe some whisky can help him to forget what happened last night. He needs a clear mind to plan his dream retirement.

Azlan keeps on running his dead eyes on the article again and again while ignoring Datuk Khalid. He is now aware of the fact that it doesn’t matter if he tells everyone the truth, everyone would still believe what is written in the newspaper. Hell, they would cite it.

"Everyone is a killer. Mine is just an unfortunate accident,"

"I did not kill three people. I did not kill Amir."

He put down the newspaper, and shifts his gaze towards the book racks. He then tries to make meaning out of the scattered vertical titles on his left.

"What's his name Wahab? Hassan right?" Inspector Wahab nods again.

"I asked him kid, why did you kill my son? Before he even answered I stepped on his face again and again until I realised I was jumping on him! Like on a trampoline you know? His ribs caved in when I checked,"

"No guns kid. No guns, just plain old hiking boots"
"Can you believe that he's walking to Thailand? Crazy right?"

"We were supposed to be in England now my son,"

And Datuk Khalid goes on and on.

Azlan finished his search for meaning in the book racks, and turn his head towards Datuk Khalid, and he sees what Amir would one day turns out to be if he were able to live long enough. Datuk Khalid has drunkenly mistaken Azlan for Amir, as he slips deeper into the alcohol. 

Inspector Wahab asks for another drink, as he tries not to think of how he could postpone his plan to sell his lands in Kedah. Hell, with the money Datuk Khalid just paid him he could book a ticket to Mecca and never come back. Maybe the sight of the Kaabah would help him to forget Hassan's face.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Hana can't stop looking at herself in the mirror. The diet plan she promoted on Facebook really works. The 3 kilos she just lost really shows.

"This is so much better than exercise," she turns around and around looking at her own reflection.

She can't help not to notice how Amir was looking at her all the time, and she feel loved. But it is not Amir that she wants.

After around half an hour worth of gossiping with her mum on the phone, she decided to take a bath. As she feels the water dripping all over her, she tries her best not to think of Azlan and how he moves on the field. It's like he has a third eye high in the sky, mercilessly scoring goals after goals. Goals after goals.

Goals after goals, like an angry god punishing weak human. When the whistle blows she would come running down the field towards him and celebrate his glory in his arms. Around them are their kids, miniature Azlan ranging from 3 to 9 years old.

The sound of the beeping rice cooker wakes Hana up from her midnight daydream. She scrutinize the food in the refrigerator to make sure that it would still be good when his dad got back from his night shift. After double checking the locks on her front door, she sprints with all her might towards her bedroom and dives into her bed. As she lifts her laptop onto her tummy, she notices a notification icon on her Facebook, and her heart stops beating for a fracture of a second.

"Azlan Rooney,"