Sini Bukan Amerika

by Abraham Slothface

“Angkatlah please, tolonglah angkat”

“Please angkat telefon please,”

Sudah berapa kali dia call tapi tak berangkat. Hari yang panas membuatkan badannya berpeluh-peluh, walhal, dia hanya memakai t-shirt dan seluar pendek. Hari yang panas membuatkan hatinya turut panas.

Penat sebenarnya, padahal tak jalan kaki pun. Sampai depan rumah bila call masih belum ada jawapan di talian penghujungnya, hal ini membuatkanya marah. Di fikiranya belum pernah terjadi lagi situasi telefon tidak berangkat seperti ini.

Terdetik di akalnya untuk menghubungi telefon rumah. Tetapi selalunya yang akan call dulu. Ika lah yang lazim akan memulakan perbicaraan di telefon mereka setiap malam, telefon rumah digunakan jika Ika mahu berjimat. Padahal, kalau Ika mahu mengunakan postpaid telefon, ibu-bapanya tidak pernah kisah untuk membayar bilnya. Tapi entah kenapa Ika memilih untuk mengunakan pelan prepaid.

Teragak-agak dia nak call rumah Ika, tapi terpaksa sebab malam ni dia kena kerja and mungkin tak dapat jumpa sampai  hari esok.

“Err, kakak tak adalah. Rasanya dia keluar,”

“Oh okay. Dengan siapa eh, dia tak bagitahu pun,”

“Dengan boyfriend dia rasanya. Nak pesan apa-apa tak?”




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Situasi yang panas dihari yang panas membuatkan hati menjadi lebih panas,  jika disukat dengan thermometer jarumnya pasti habis angka untuk berpusing. Seperti mahu  pecah rasa jantungnya bila dibayangkan balik, ketika adik Ika memberitahu dia keluar dengan lelaki misteri. Hancur luluh pecah seribu hatinya dgn fakta yang baru saja dilemparkan tepat ke lohong telinganya. Dia memulas throttle Ego sampai ke hujungnya, dia menunggang dgn laju selaju air matanya yang mengalir membasahi pipinya.

Tak sampai lima minit dia dah sampai depan rumah, dia terus ambil baju kerja, siap dan keluar. Biasanya dia salam mak dia dulu lepas lunch tapi nak makan pun tak selera.

Tak tahulah berapa traffic light dia langgar, tapi dia selamat sampai kat tempat kerja. Pergi stor, campak helmet dan jacket, dan dia sedia jadi hamba 7Eleven dari 1 tengahari  hingga 10 malam. Penat sebenarnya hidup macamni. Hari tak ada kelas kena kerja, hari cuti kena siapkan tugasan. Study lagi. Nak harapkan duit Ptptn memang tak cukup.

Dia memeriksa telefon mana tahu Ika ada call balik. Haram tak ada. Dia still fikir baik. Mana tahu kawan, ataupun classmates, ataupun mungkin adik Ika tersalah tengok. Penat fikir sebenarnya. Lagipun dia tahu Ika takkan buat macamtu dekat dia. Bukan baru sebulan mereka dalam perhubungan.

“Hoi Ami. Kerja main telefon je apahal. Orang lain ada awek jugak oi,”

“Haha lepak la Bob. Orang tak ramai. Bukan aku call pun,” padahal dia just tengok telefon yang tak ada apa-apa mesej pun. Tengah tahan air mata sebenarnya.

“Untunglah. Aku ni pun tak ada siapa orang nak. Nak ngorat awek macam mana entah pakai baju cashier. Sial,”

“ Alah mesti ada punya. Mesti ada punya awek minat orang chubby-chubby sikit macam kau,”

“Sial kau Ami. Hah awek kau macam mana, kau still kekasih gelap ke macam mana ni?”

Dua-dua terdiam sekejap.

“Wehhh janganlah nangis kat sini!”

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Pukul 3 pagi baru Ika call balik. Dia balik kerja pukul sepuluh, terus pergi rumah Ika. Lelaki tu hantar dia balik, Ika macam tak terkejut pun melihat Ami ada menunggu di depan rumah. Lelaki tersebut tidak menegur langsung Ami, selepas itu mereka bertukar senyuman dan berpisah. Ami cuma mejadi penonton sambil duduk di atas motor. Lepas Ika habis lambai dekat kereta lelaki tu Ika terus berjalan ke arah Ami. 

“Lama tunggu?”

“Lama jugak. Sejam. Sekarang dah pukul sebelas,”

Ika meletakan tanganya di atas kepala Ami, mungusap-gusap rambutnya. Basah sikit. Mungkin dekat sini hujan baru berhenti, kata Ika dalam hati. Sejuk malam tu.

“Ami balikla dulu okay. Nanti malam Ika call. Bawak motor elok-elok tau,”

Banyak jugak dia nangis dalam perjalanan balik rumah. Walaupun dekat je sebenarnya, dia ambil jalan jauh. Takut emaknya melihat matanya yang merah berair kalau dia sampai rumah tak habis nangis lagi. Lapar gila balik kerja so dia pun makan dulu. Lepastu dia pun duduk dekat sofa depan tv, dengan telefon dekat tangan, sampai pukul 3 pagi barulah dia dapat bercakap dgn Ika.

“Ami, awak tahu kan kita tak boleh. Saya harap awak faham,”

Dia diam. Dia cuba ingat balik apa Ika cakap dekat dia sebelum ni.

“Saya harap kita masih boleh jadi kawan. Macam biasa. Macam dulu-dulu,”

“Tapi kita dah janji,”

“Ami, awak tahu kan. Saya dah bagitahu awak yang saya kena fikir dulu. Benda ni bukannya main-main,”

“Awak dah janji nak tunggu kan,”

“Ami, saya taknak pun. Awak tolonglah faham,” Ika pun terus letak telefon meninggalkan Ami. 

Diruang tamu rumah itu, bercampur-aduk bunyi tv dengan bunyi orang menangis. Tiba-tiba dengar bunyi orang turun dekat tangga, awal sangat mak dia turun sahur kalau nak puasa sunat pun. Dia terus tutup tv dan bergerak kearah bilik dia, masih dalam pakaian kerja.

Masuk ke bilik dia terus tanggalkan semuanya. Dia pun pandang kearah cermin, menangis lagi. Dia menangis sambil peluk bantal, sambil tengok bilik dia yang bersepah dengan baju-baju dekat lantai. Dia pun ambil baju kerja yang ada nametag dengan nama Ami dan campak ke dalam bakul baju kotor. Tiba-tiba dia terdengar bunyi pintu bilik dia diketuk.

"Ye mak. Kenapa," kata Ami sambil memerhatikan lekuk-lekuk badannya di depan cermin. 

"Dah sembahyang isyak Amirah? Sempat lagi ni sebelum tidur. Esok kalau bangun pergi ambil baju kurung dah siap, mak letak duit kat meja. Kalau bangunlah kan,"

A Tale from The Land under The Wind

by Mr B

"Fakkkkk samurai bodo!!!, lari!!”

Three guys are running out of a restaurant while being chased by a fat bald man with a three feet long katana sword in his hand. Earlier the three guys were sitting in the restaurant ordering drinks from the waiter when Benny decided to “pau” the restaurant, so he got up from the sitting position and walk to the counter and says “hello” to the owner, Mathir and Poji sat quietly enjoying their drinks, they know Benny would do this since the restaurant’s waiter was rude to them earlier. Benny puts his hand on the counter’s deck cabinet and he speaks to the fat bald man behind the payment counter who happens to be the owner of the restaurant.

“Bro how are you, I’m afraid I need to charge you la bro for the inconvenience, your waiter got no respect la, now empty the register!”

The fat bald man starred at Benny and smile, but Benny does not notice the man’s hand was reaching for something below the counter’s cabinet and suddenly a shiny metal object appears. The bald man tried to slash Benny with it. Luckily Benny’s reaction was faster that he manage to avoid the katana attack and shouts.The voice of Benny yelling alerts Mathir and Poji and they stood immediately, Poji is holding a chair from where he stands and Mathir was ready in his so called “Silat Kekuda” position. He is in his fighting stand ready for a fight.

“Lari, lari bodoh! Hari ni kita salah pau orang la, hahaha”

Benny shouts to Mathir and Poji, and they laugh. He is still trying to escape from the wrath of the fat bald man. The fat bald man keeps attacking Benny with that sword, but Benny was smarter. He loves to fight and the best thing about it, He is good at it. He waited for the fat bald man to lose all of his energy, and he kicked that fat man in the stomach as hard as he can while Mathir and Poji are still standing from their last position waiting anything to come to their way and fight it off like WWE royal rumble match. They will hold off anything so that Benny can escape from the fat bald man, Suddenly a guy starts running towards Mathir and Poji, it was the rude waiter that took their order earlier. Poji throw the chair and it precisely hit the waiter’s face and then Mathir sprints towards the waiter and gives a flying kick right on the waiter’s nose. The waiter fell hard but Mathir has not stopped from attacking him. Mathir gives more kicks to the waiter, he was like a pro soccer player trying to score a goal kicking the waiter constantly and ends it with a stomp on the waiter’s face.

“Thirrr, lek ah bukan melawan pun kimak tu hahaha" said Poji.

People are running away from the restaurant. Everyone is panicking as they rush to the main door where the exit lies, Benny and the fat bald guy are still fighting, but it seems the fat bald guy loses a lot of energy and he fell once when Benny kicked him.

“Bangsat punya budak! Kau kenal tak aku sapa pukimak!”

The fat bald man screams at Benny and he swings the katana once more, but this time it was weaker than any swings before that. Benny realize that the fat bald man had used up all the energy out of himself. Now is the time for Benny to attack. He jumped and give a side kick to the man’s head and he fell hard.

“Haha doremon buntal tumbang!” screams Benny.

But the fat bald man was muc tougher than they had thought, that he did not fainted after that kick. Instead he rise up again with unlimited anger and he swings the sword again and again. Benny runs away as he just remembered that they have a gang meeting afterwards. Benny then runs towards Mathir and Poji as both of them are fighting off a bunch of waiters. Mathir and Poji's fists was red with blood stain due to the punches they have thrown constantly.

“Blah, blah wey, Mansor nak jumpa kan lepas ni, babi la lupa” said Benny to the two adrenaline-high monkeys.

Both Mathir and Poji realize that they have forgotten their gang meeting. Both of them lead by Benny then fight their way out of the restaurant. After several minutes, they reached the main door of the restaurant. The fat bald man was still chasing them, but luckily he was slow like a fat sweaty pink pig.

“Gemok babi!” shout them.

And they run as fast as they can to Poji’s car, the fat bald man was exhausted and after a while he stopped chasing. And he shouts

“Aku cari kamu semua sampai kiamat bangsat!”

Benny, Mathir and Poji were laughing hard while running, Benny said “Fakkkk, kita salah org sial, hahaha, babi punya orang tua boleh ada samurai plak”

“Tu la pasal serious shit kita salah kacau orang jo harini haha” Mathir reply.

“Dah dah naik kereta dulu nti kita cerita” Poji was already starting the engine.

Poji is driving very fast. He has always been the driver for Mathir and Benny. Mathir will always sit at the back of the car since he is the youngest among them, he is only 15. Benny will always call shotgun because for them, that seat is only for those who have earned it. Benny pulled out a box of cigarette from his pocket and took 3 sticks of cigarettes. He lights it all in his lips and passes them to Mathir and Poji. Benny was the leader of the pack. Lighting up cigarettes for his brothers has been his habit for so long. Mathir and Poji take it as sign of kindness from an older brother.

They have always looked up to Benny, to them Benny was their savoir or maybe a brother they wish they had. Benny was born poor in a messed up family. His father was a drunk drug lord, well he used to be, now he is in jail in God-knows where. His mother was an ex hooker who smoke crack, dope, meth and jerry every single day. He was raised badly, where he had no father to fight with, and no mother to whine to. All that he has ever knew was hardship and loneliness, but only until he was 11. His parents were messed up. Benny have to find money and means to survive by his own, so at the age of 11 Benny decided to quit school and work to earn money. He wants to build up his own life and leave his parents. His first job was washing dishes in a Chinese restaurant nearby his house. That job taught him a lot, including the work ethics of the Chinese, which is for him is a very strict discipline. Besides, because of that job he met Mansor, a boss of a local gang that goes by the name Amuk, which he started himself.  Benny first met Mansor when he was 11 at the dark back alley of the restaurant he was on a smoke break. He was sitting on the bench at the back of the restaurant while smoking and suddenly a half Malay-half Pilipino looking guy approached him and asked him for a lighter.

“Dik lighter ada ta?”

Benny gave Mansor a lighter and start wondering what is up with this guy as he is entering the restaurant from the back door. Suddenly he tuns to Benny.

“Uncle Law ada?”

Now Benny understands. This guy might be a gangster who works for Uncle Law. For Benny, Uncle Law is an example of a kind gangster boss. He loves to helps the unfortunate people, for example the restaurant that he runs, half of the profits goes to the orphanages.

Benny's mind was flashing back and forth in his collection of memories. He was brought back to the present by the annoying voice of the self-proclaimed Paul Walker.

“Weyhh apahal senyap semua?”

Poji raid the silence and he start asking Benny while driving like a mad man

“Ni meeting nanti ni pasal apa eh Benny?”

Benny explain to them that Mansor has summoned all of his “budak” for meeting in order to tell them that he will replace Uncle Law soon as leader of 99

“Damn Abang Mansor jadi taiko besar la nti?” Mathir shouts excitedly

“Lepasni Amuk take over!"

Poji was in favor with Mathir but somehow Benny was silent and his face shows that he is thinking of something. He explain to Mathir and Poji, that it is a good news for them that Mansor will take over the whole entire leadership of the gangster organization, but he also explain the threats that comes with it,

“Korang imagine eh dalam 99 ada Amuk, NGG, Logpond, Zheng-Zi and Bulls, kongsi ni semua join under 99 before Amuk wujud lagi, kau rasa apa kongsi lain fikir Amuk take over?”

Benny’s statement made them think and suddenly all of them shout at the same time in the rusty Charade 88.

“War is coming!”

And the conversation ends just like that without any closure. Poji keeps on driving, Benny is messaging Mansor about their location and he also tells him that they will be there in 20 minutes, but everyone knows croods and punks are never punctual. Mathir is asking for another cigarette as he feels a sudden rush of anxiety, He wishes for all the smokes that he blows will take away all his worries. All of them were thinking about what will be ordered by Mansor for them to carry out later on.

End of part 1

The Adventure of Inspector Wahab

by Abraham Slothface





"What the heck"

"Only 3 kilos and the whole world need to know. Fuck you la Hana. Who needs to know about how much weight you lose when you look like that? Motherfucka." 

"Lan, kau dok mencarut-carut apa tu. Kau ingat mak ni tak tahu?"

Azlan ignored his mum and continued scrolling the timeline up and down, up and down until nothing is left for him to devour, but his mind keeps on bringing him back to that stupid girl's post. 

"Only 3 kilos, and the whole world needs to know? I can't see any difference. Can you hippopotamus? Have you ever heard of the word exercise?  Go for a jog for fuck sake."

Azlan takes a deep breath and his fingers begin to dance on the keyboards with all the profanity he's capable of.

_________________________________________________________________________________

It is not a great morning for Inspector Wahab. It is only 5am, and he just drove all the way from the warmth of his wife to meet a dead kid in an unknown neighbourhood. A girl just hung herself in the living room. She had been put down to the ground by somebody long before the police came, and the rope has been removed from her neck leaving a intricate pattern pressed on the cold dead skin. A new guy accidentally kicked a part of the broken chair on the scene, but everyone just ignored it.

"Nurhana binti Hassan,"

"Ah fuck this. Fuck all of this shit, I'm out,"

Now this case is going to be big for a week in the news and there, another sleepless nights for whoever that is going to be replacing him after he submitted his immediate resignation notice. He's been stupid enough working day and night when he could sit back and enjoy endless vacation if he had just sell his lands in Kedah earlier.

"Say goodbye to Inspector Wahab shitheads,"

He's glad that the dead kid's dad called the police immediately. Inspector Wahab is tired of half decomposed bodies that smell much worse than how it looks. The only few things that is bothering him is the dad's whereabouts, and the closed tab of Azlan Rooney's Facebook page on the laptop full of Hello Kitty stickers in the girl's bedroom.

_________________________________________________________________________________

"This is the best thing of the week, and its only Friday!" 

"Hana hasn't been replying your comment yet since last night you retard. I can't wait to see her face in the class," Amir keeps on swiping his iPhone screen up and down, up and down. Then he takes a look at Azlan who has not stopped yawning since the moment they exited Amir's dad's BMW. 

"Do we really have to talk about that hippo? Amir, my Manchester United jersey. Make sure its an S size."

"I wont wear any M okay?"

"What? Hahahaha fuck you la Lan. I'm gonna buy you an XXL."

"How big is an XXL actualy?" 

That is the last thought in Amir's mind, before his instinct takes over and he pushes Azlan out of the way with all his strength. The impact was so immense it sends Amir flying few metres away from the crash site. The sound alerted few passerbies who are usually numb is this cold morning air as it could be heard from the nasi lemak stall on the other side of the road. 

The Proton Waja immediately leaves the scene, screeching and leaving trails on the asphalt. The road in front of SMK Taman Indah becomes congested that morning.

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He is smoking for the first time in years, and he is on his fifth ciggarete.  Hassan takes out his wallet and manages to gather around RM14 worth of banknotes and coins. He regrets not going to the ATM first before he begins his hunt. His work clothes since last night are drenched in sweat, and he is stuck in the middle of nowhere with his now fuel-less Waja. His shivering hands are gripping tight on the steering wheel.

"Dear God. Why is this happening to me?"

"Maybe you should just kill yourself. Then you can be with your daughter in hell,"

Streams of tears running down Hassan's face, as he wonders if his sins are too much that God just have to take everything away from him. He exits his Waja and decides to leave it on the petrol stations car park, and he begins to walk on the side of the road. As he passes a thick spot of bushes, he takes out his phone and car keys and throws them away for good.

Hassan's plan was to cross the border and find a place to hide, but now he doesn’t know if that is possible. He still regrets not turning back and finishes the job. He will come back, he promised himself. Even if he has to be a beggar in Thailand for years, he promised that he would come back for that boy. 

He would get his revenge for his only daughter and skin that bastard Azlan alive. If only he had hit the right kid.

_________________________________________________________________________________

IPOH: The suspect for the hit and run case in that killed a student in front of a school in Subang two days ago was found dead last night on Jalan Maling with a large amount of drugs in his possession. He was located by the locals in a location more than 200 kilometres from where he lives, and declared to be dead due to overdosing on drugs by Assistant Commissioner Chu Kai Sok.

"This is an example of a good connection within the police," according to him.

He was first missing from his house after he called the police, informing that his daughter had just committed suicide. He was then involved in an accident in front of SMK Taman Indah that killed Amir Hafiz bin Khalid Romzi, 15 and escaped from the scene in a Proton Waja.

He is suspected to be under the influence of drugs during the accident. According to the neighbours, he worked night shift most of the time and used the drugs to give him some sort of strength. His daughter's death is said to be caused by the depression due to his recent divorce.

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"These reporters are so fucking good. Right? No wonder they are so expensive,"

"I was thinking about killing you too. But you really remind me of Amir every time I look at you,"

"Whiskey? You?" Datuk Khalid's voice echoes on and on in the spacious office.

Inspector Wahab nods. Maybe some whisky can help him to forget what happened last night. He needs a clear mind to plan his dream retirement.

Azlan keeps on running his dead eyes on the article again and again while ignoring Datuk Khalid. He is now aware of the fact that it doesn’t matter if he tells everyone the truth, everyone would still believe what is written in the newspaper. Hell, they would cite it.

"Everyone is a killer. Mine is just an unfortunate accident,"

"I did not kill three people. I did not kill Amir."

He put down the newspaper, and shifts his gaze towards the book racks. He then tries to make meaning out of the scattered vertical titles on his left.

"What's his name Wahab? Hassan right?" Inspector Wahab nods again.

"I asked him kid, why did you kill my son? Before he even answered I stepped on his face again and again until I realised I was jumping on him! Like on a trampoline you know? His ribs caved in when I checked,"

"No guns kid. No guns, just plain old hiking boots"
"Can you believe that he's walking to Thailand? Crazy right?"

"We were supposed to be in England now my son,"

And Datuk Khalid goes on and on.

Azlan finished his search for meaning in the book racks, and turn his head towards Datuk Khalid, and he sees what Amir would one day turns out to be if he were able to live long enough. Datuk Khalid has drunkenly mistaken Azlan for Amir, as he slips deeper into the alcohol. 

Inspector Wahab asks for another drink, as he tries not to think of how he could postpone his plan to sell his lands in Kedah. Hell, with the money Datuk Khalid just paid him he could book a ticket to Mecca and never come back. Maybe the sight of the Kaabah would help him to forget Hassan's face.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Hana can't stop looking at herself in the mirror. The diet plan she promoted on Facebook really works. The 3 kilos she just lost really shows.

"This is so much better than exercise," she turns around and around looking at her own reflection.

She can't help not to notice how Amir was looking at her all the time, and she feel loved. But it is not Amir that she wants.

After around half an hour worth of gossiping with her mum on the phone, she decided to take a bath. As she feels the water dripping all over her, she tries her best not to think of Azlan and how he moves on the field. It's like he has a third eye high in the sky, mercilessly scoring goals after goals. Goals after goals.

Goals after goals, like an angry god punishing weak human. When the whistle blows she would come running down the field towards him and celebrate his glory in his arms. Around them are their kids, miniature Azlan ranging from 3 to 9 years old.

The sound of the beeping rice cooker wakes Hana up from her midnight daydream. She scrutinize the food in the refrigerator to make sure that it would still be good when his dad got back from his night shift. After double checking the locks on her front door, she sprints with all her might towards her bedroom and dives into her bed. As she lifts her laptop onto her tummy, she notices a notification icon on her Facebook, and her heart stops beating for a fracture of a second.

"Azlan Rooney,"

4th Wall? Never Heard of It

by Abraham Slothface




God is never a good writer. Imagine having to write, God-knows how many stories, one could be unable to handle all the expectations and deadlines even if he is the ultimate being. Too busy with his work, he created a formula. A simple, repeatable formula that would produce billions and billions of "unique" stories by changing a few bits here and there. Switch the gender, pick a new place, different time and wohoo here's your insignificant snowflake of life. It starts from the womb and end with your death. Nothing more than that except for some anomalies that would bring you a Nobel Prize or having you leading a genocide, but most of the time you'll end up being an average human. Eat, sleep, fuck and die. The writer can sit back in his eternal holiday.

But like every mass produced goods, there must be some failed products doesn't matter if you're a God. But God, being as perfect as he is, rarely made a mistake as I had never in my infinite lifetime met an unorthodox character like me. All of us are heroes in our own life, sidekicks to our friends, and villains to our enemies. Most of our genres are similar, typical human life ranging from comedy to tragedy. We all have our stages, we all have our time. But I am different. I had all the time. All the knowledge about the stages, the lights, the script, the storyline. Hell, I am the director. I was the only one able to watch all the shows, all the gags as it unfold in the same predictable sequence. It all ends with death.

From the moment I was born I knew when I was going to die. I live my death the first day I was born, and have it all on reverse in a day. I knew already how it feel and how it would made me feel, but I just need to do it. I wish it would make me feel human but it never. I am here, now and then. Swimming in all the directions in the river of time. Then I decided to play God, to change my life a bit here and there. I fucked with a lot of things again and again. The sequence, the people, the place. I had all the time in my life to do all the things I can.

I made my parents move to all the countries, even though I knew I can't find God. I've married countless women for the hope that my kids would inherit my anomaly, but they never did. I've tried every different religion I could find, but no God could help me escape this endless loop. I've lead wars on every continent. I've found cure for cosmic cancer in Mars. I've live a life doing nothing but lying down on my bed pretending I'm retarded. I've destroyed earth three times in different nuclear wars. I've lead the biggest drug cartel world has ever seen. I've travel beyond the flow and become a god in different times, until I left a permanent mark causing men from different corners of earth to seek about the truth of who am I. Then I erased it all and starts again from the womb.

After, God-knows how many times I start to wonder what do they see when they are dead. What do they get for all their lies. How do they pay for all their sins because I would never know. I could never see afterlife because my life never ends. Its just another curtain fall and another play for the day. I wish that I am God, but I've always knew I'm not. Because if I am, I could have the choice to end this. I don't.